Sound

I think my lifelong preference for listening to music and speech via earbuds or headphones must be sensory related. I always thought it was “just a weird preference”, but now that I have become more aware of how sound affects me it is obviously more than that. Even with something as seemingly innocuous as opening a plastic wrapper, I find myself cringing. Now I understand that it likely isn’t music itself making me tired, but it is listening to music in the car over the speakers.

I have been experimenting with leaving earbuds in all day to help buffer sounds, and it does seem to help with avoiding becoming so tired. I have even bought a pair of reusable earplugs for other times (foam ones won’t fit in my ears).

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Blast from my Past

It is so weird to see BD Hyman on the Daily Mail after all these years once again raving on about what a horrible woman her mother, Bette Davis, was. Her “church” was the last straw for me with Word of Faith type teaching, although I will say she was even far more off the reservation than any WoF preacher ever dreamed of being.

  • If you’d ever opened a Harry Potter book, you were going to hell.
  • There were/are 7 raptures (at least).
  • Heaven was going to be divided into two sections: those who were baptized in the Holy Spirit (who got to be in Heaven proper) and those who weren’t (who would be relegated to the earth).
  • Plus some other bit about the Church being the bride (I don’t remember the particulars, but it seems like it was taken farther than normal).

It’s been a long time, so that’s most of what I remember at this point. Oh, and that feeling of “a devil on every doorknob” (if you’re unfamiliar with that, basically demons are everywhere and in everything, Satan is out to get you, etc).

I went along with it for a few months before I just couldn’t do it anymore (probably once I gained enough understanding of the implications etc of the teaching). I had spent several years listening to various WoF preachers, and the strict restrictions she imposed were too much in the end. I’m amazed I made it as long as I did with basically inflicting unnecessary physical pain on myself (through trying to avoid painkillers through my horrific periods), but to even have something as silly as looking at a book supposedly going to bite me in the ass at the Judgement seat? No thanks.

I’m not saying Bette Davis wasn’t bad, I have no idea, that’s not really the focus on my interest in this. Although with bipolar and other issues in their family, it makes me wonder if Bette and BD both suffer[ed] from something themselves? (Honestly some of what BD describes sounds like borderline, imo.)

Inclusive autistic traits

Reblogging for future reference. 🙂

autisticality

Problems

Autism is big and messy and confusing, and no-one really understands it. It’s difficult to make a good summary and description of autistic traits, because generally no-one can agree on what autism actually is. But even taking that into account, I’ve never read a satisfactory article or leaflet summarising and describing autistic traits.  Every description I’ve ever read suffered from at least one of these problems:

  • Wrongly weighted. So many descriptions of autism written by neurotypical people focus completely on social traits. Often autism is described as an entirely social thing, and any other differences are considered incidental if they’re mentioned at all.
  • Vague. The “triad of impairments” is the worst offender here. It divides social traits arbitrarily into “interaction”, “communication”, and “imagination”, but there is absolutely no clear distinction between those categories. They’re meaningless and useless divisions that don’t remotely simplify the description, and so they serve no useful purpose…

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I hate writing titles

Since I don’t know of a single topic to write about, I will list a few things. (It’s that or nothing. :))

I have had only water to drink for over a week now, except for 3 times. I forgot what I was doing the first day and had a little chocolate milk. Then very little coffee on Monday trying to help with some pain. Yesterday I tried some of the bottled tulsi tea by Honest Tea, thinking maybe herbal tea would be okay for a treat (nope, gave me a sore throat). I got tired of going back and forth with coffee, tea, soda, trying to avoid caffeine, and it seemed easier to avoid everything except water. My skin looks much better as a bonus.

I’m noticing more often now which foods are unpleasant. I’m not sure how to put it because it is a discomfort, like an almost sore throat. There’s a growing list of foods that I am avoiding because of this such as honeydew melon and pineapple. I know pineapple does that to most people if they eat too much, but this is one or two bites. I don’t like it!

I know watching movies/tv, reading books, and listening to music helps me to write poetry, which I have gotten back into (oh it has been so long!)…I also need to be careful about what it is I consume (I hate calling it that) because, again, increased awareness of how things affect me. Suspenseful, tension inducing shows are out. I’m realizing it isn’t worth it, no matter how much I might enjoy the story overall. Even though I am applying it for a different reason now, it reminds me of Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” So true, isn’t it?

I think I mentioned maybe trying out a retinoid for skincare? I went ahead about it, and now I’m discovering anything with alcohol in it is instant burning. Happily I did find a good sunscreen locally without alcohol. I hope it is worth it, but it will take a few more weeks to see.

Last but not least, my bead interest has definitely resurged. I must be feeling better overall to have interests coming back.

*snippet*

If my limbs would stop falling asleep, that would be great. I go through spells of it happening a lot, and I have been having one lately. The other morning I must have been on one side in the bed for maybe 20 minutes, and my arm fell totally dead, to the point I had to lift it with my other hand in order to turn over! Why?

It’s Okay

All of the things I had thought I would have
To reach year after year with nothing in sight
Page after page, line by line; It all became the biggest book
The biggest weight I had ever known, like a horrible joke
Instead of a ball and chain–memories and regrets

Yet fear hung on, “what else is there?”
I held tighter than ever, “what else is there?”

It’s okay if I never have anything
It’s okay if I am nothing
It’s okay if I let it go

Now the old book is alight, reducing to ashes
Now there is a new book, pristine and free

It’s okay if I don’t know
it’s okay if I don’t care
It’s okay if I let it go too

I’ve been thinking about what I’ve learned about myself over the past 18 months, and I’m so exhausted. It’s not over yet; I suppose it will never be over. Still, it would be nice to feel like I’ve got it all down pat, and I have some idea of what I’m supposed to be doing. Today, though, I feel completely overwhelmed.

Beads

I have enjoyed making jewelry since I was a child. No, that’s what I’ve turned it into, to make it productive. What I really enjoyed when I was younger was beads and stringing…and sorting. I remember spending hours doing both of these things.

One, I loved sorting beads. I had lots of beads, including seed beads. If you don’t know, seed beads are tiny. I would lump all of my beads together in one big pile (on carpet, no less), then proceed to carefully sort them into various types of beads, colors, shapes, etc. When I was done, I would lump them all together and start over. Repeat. All day.

Two, I really liked stringing them onto thread or tigertail. I would have a certain pattern, string the beads on in that pattern, then pull them all off, and start again.

Just looking at beads makes me happy. The colors, textures, etc. I know when I find beads I want to buy because…I want to eat them. It’s like I still have that childhood urge of “ooh, pretty, let me put that in my mouth!” (No, I don’t do that.) I know it sounds weird, but it is what it is. I also get that feeling that I did as a kid when I would see a kitten and would feel like I would die if I didn’t get to pet it (okay, I still feel that way about cats). That is to say, I want it really bad! ha

As I’ve gotten older, my “interest” has matured a bit, and I’ve learned some jewelry making techniques. I don’t really enjoy designing in and of itself. I don’t mind making a pattern, but occasionally I’ll make more intricate pieces. I like making findings from wire. I like making wire and bead necklaces–just put the bead on the wire, make loops, and connect it all together. I can spend hours doing this, or until my fingers get sore.

Scattershot

Sometimes I really want to write a blog post, but my thoughts are going in too many directions to choose one topic. Like now…

There’s MBTI and function theory. I really hate how difficult it has been to grasp both function theory and my own mind. I don’t even want to admit how long I’ve been at this, it’s ridiculous. One of the people I follow who writes about MBTI emphasizes typing based on thought processes and not behavior. So now I’m trying to tease apart those two things. After awhile I become overwhelmed, figuratively throw my hands in the air, kick it in the corner…

mABYkkp

Then creep back after a few days, months, etc. Oh, I have done this with so many things, but none so much as this. It baffles me yet the seemingly inability I have to type myself is a challenge I can’t pull myself away from. Kind of like those Oregon Trail type games from when I was a teen. Oh yea, I had ALL of them. Did you know there was more than one? Oregon, Mayan, Amazon [seems like there was another]. Amazon Trail was a bitch. It made me so angry and I’d shut the game off, swearing I’d never play it again. I was back at it 5 minutes later. You had better believe that I eventually won. 😉 MBTI is the same thing.

Then there’s one of my other interests, skincare, which is relatively new…sort of. I’ve been off and on interested in makeup for most of my life. I think I’ve always looked at it as playtime, even though I’m don’t go crazy with it like some people. I prefer to go for a mild look, although bright lipsticks etc are fun. Don’t ask me about contouring or any of that crap though. I can’t do anything beyond basic eyeliner to save my life. Then there’s the great swathes of my life where I’ve done no makeup at all. It’s an “if I feel like it” interest. But skincare…I never did anything beyond makeup remover, face wash, and moisturizer for years. I have had very oily skin (and hair too) for most of my life, although it improved with getting into Asian beauty earlier this year. The oily skin probably saved my butt as a teen because I had breakouts regularly without horrific scarring. This continued up until, yes, getting a skincare routine. I really slacked off after a few months when I burned out in general. My skin, surprisingly, has remained mostly good, but there are two areas that annoy me with persistent closed comedones that never leave. This is all to say (lol) that I’m considering trying a retinoid in an attempt to get rid of them, and this would require following a full skincare routine (because that crap dries you out fast). Am I feeling good enough to attempt this? I think so. We’ll see how I feel about it in a few days.

And then there’s the whirlwind of partial lines and pieces of poetry that I know are swirling in my head somewhere but aren’t ready to form into a cohesive whole. I don’t know if it’s weird that I’m aware of this. It’s like waiting for a loaf of bread to finish baking.

Oh, I’ve become aware of what everyone seems to think it’s a weird but hilarious quirk: I sort through my fried okra VERY carefully looking for the ends, stem caps, and old/hard pieces so I don’t accidentally eat them. I’m laughed at for this, but if I actually bite into one, I have to spit it out. Yea, I know, bad table manners. But *shudders*.

 

The other day I opened my mouth

Out came a great torrent of words

They were all jumbled like a puzzle

Each piece fighting to be seen

They pushed and they pulled

Both you and me

Like a rowdy mob jostling about

Unending or so it seemed

Joyfully my words danced with yours

The pieces came together one by one

Uniting to form a harmonious whole